Have you ever been in a supermarket or a discount store and seen an unruly small child acting up and throwing a tantrum? Most often, this seems to happen when he (or she) can’t have the candy he wants at the checkout. The child whines about why he can’t have it. After all, HE WANTS IT.

To the child, this seems like a perfectly good rationale as to why he should be given it immediately. That little whiny voice, possibly accompanied by a tantrum – doesn’t that make you want to get away from the annoying situation and out of the store as soon as possible?

Well, the situation is no different for some fully grown adults. Somewhere along the line, they developed the idea that just because they wanted or expected certain things in life (e.g. the marriage, relationship, house or career they dreamed about), that they should have them. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that part. As long as the people who aspire to those goals are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve them, it is an admirable trait. 

Here’s where that rub grows annoying, especially when it comes to dating and building relationships. Some singles, when they suffer setbacks in their lives, constantly whine about their situation, complaining to anyone willing to listen, “Jeez, my life didn’t turn out like I thought it would,” or “Jeez, I don’t have this or that.” 

Wow, what a revelation! Now exactly whose life turned out precisely like they thought it would? And, for those fortunate few for which that turned out to be the case, how did it happen? Did they hit their lucky numbers or inherit their way to success? Some probably did, but more likely worked their asses off.

Somewhere along the line, some singles got the idea that a diet of whine, “jeez” and self-pity made them more attractive. At least, that must be the case. Why else would they complain about their lives and constantly look to others for sympathy?

Here’s a clue – misery does not love company – misery loves miserable company. If I feel self-pity, I might feel better about myself if you commiserate with me. So, we wallow in my (or our) miserable life (lives) for a little while, occasionally feeling better for that brief time.

Okay, so this approach is fine for a day or two, or maybe even a week. But after that, you’ve got to snap out of it. Life is a series of setbacks. Those who succeed in their jobs, at dating and building relationships, at marriage or at anything else are not those who don’t ever fail. They are those who observe themselves when they succeed and when they fail and adapt their “lessons learned” to future decisions.

Here’s another point. Just like the case of the tantrum child at the checkout, “whine and jeez” are not attractive to other singles, at least not healthy ones. Occasionally, a rescuer might want to help, but even rescuers grow tired of this act.

Gumption – now that is attractive. Our culture and other singles value spunk, like a Rocky who gets knocked down and keeps pulling himself off the canvass. We admire resilience. The person who succeeds is not only the one who can turn lemons into lemonade, but also lemon zest, lemon meringue pie and even lemon-scented Pledge.

So, if you are experiencing some periods where you are not, in your mind, achieving success, I suggest you start first by “canning” the “whine and jeez” act. It grows old quickly, annoys those around you and drags you further from your ultimate goal. People, especially singles, want to be around other positive people, not crybabies. 

Sure, this life so far may not have yet turned out like you thought it would. So what? Those who fail with life’s struggles do so more often by giving up than they do by screwing up. Now is the time, through a positive attitude and effort, to make the rest of it turn out like it is supposed to. Whether you enjoy and make the most of it (or not) is entirely up to you.

I close with two quotes that I feel express the value of resiliency and maintaining a positive attitude:              

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” – L. Clement Stone, founder of Combined Insurance (now Aon)

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” – Brian Tracy, author and success consultant

Here’s to your well developed, your new-found or your renewed can-do resiliency!

When I was a kid, I used to love to watch the stories about the Three Musketeers – Athos, Porthos and Aramis. At the time, I didn’t know what a musketeer was, other than a sword fighter in those adventure stories and something on a candy bar. It was only later that I discovered that my favorite sword fighters, celebrated in the novels by Alexandre Dumas, were actually cavalry named for the muskets that they were given to fight battles in 17th century France.

From France, we take a sharp right turn to ancient Greece. The writings of the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle provide us a priceless set of building blocks to examine and internalize for forming any type of relationship. When I first read about Ethos, Pathos and Logos, I got to thinking that they sounded a bit like the “Three Musketeers.” But, these are the key building blocks required to create any type of genuine connection, be it a friendship, a romantic or a business relationship.

Aristotle really knew what he was talking about. Here is an explanation of each element (and you absolutely need all three), and how they fit into the relationship puzzle:

Ethos (Greek for “character”) – When we meet someone new, we have to develop some sense of his/her character. Can we trust this person? Do we like him/her as a person? Can we respect them? Are they being authentic and credible? Are they worth being around and worthy of our time? Do they appear to demonstrate good sense? 

Though singles can sometimes be blinded by good looks or initially by enticing conversation, success in a relationship requires an ongoing trust and respect. If the person violates those feelings, the relationship may not survive. At best, it will be changed significantly. It is essential for us to know that anyone worthy of our time, love and affection is a good person inside. 

Pathos (Greek for “suffering” or “experience”) – It is not just enough for us as singles to trust the person with whom we want to form a relationship. That person has to be able to appeal to our emotions, our sympathies and our imagination. To succeed, they have to feel what we are feeling and be able to sympathize with it in a positive, not a pitying, way.

How many times have you heard, I really like him/her as a person, but I don’t feel that “magic.” It is because somehow the person you are dating does not touch your heartstrings or spark your imagination about what a wonder-filled future you would have together. And, you have to be able to do the same for him or her. What’s more, you need to be able to accomplish this while still being your authentic self.

Romantic words and deeds are the key to developing the emotional connection. They have to come naturally and comfortably. Doing things to continue to spark the imagination of your partner, craft continual “newness” and even create some mystery is also key.

It is easy to understand how Pathos can sometimes suffer in a marriage or long-term relationship. 

Logos (Greek for “word”) – From “logos” we derive our logic. For singles in a relationship, this is where logic, common sense and judgment fit into the equation. You and I might feel like dating a person with very expensive tastes, or one half-way around the world or half our age, but we still manage to add some sense of reality to the situation in order to reach a reasonable decision. We learn to evaluate the person and the situation based on the facts and our core values.

Note that I said core values, because sometimes, especially the older we get, we confuse values with habits or fears. Rather than looking to stretch our possibilities, we look at what is convenient or easy. Don’t allow getting “set in your ways” or setting low goals for yourself make you settle for less than you really deserve.

Though more than 2000 years have passed, Aristotle seems to have put his finger on the challenges that face today’s singles (and others) in forming and maintaining relationships. Each element – Ethos, Pathos and Logos – is a necessary building block. It is now up to us, you and me, to be the craftsmen to position them correctly, balancing each with the proper perspective. And then, armed with these “Three Musketeers of Connection” we can build the relationships of our dreams.

      “The greatest mistake a man can ever make is to be afraid of making one.”

                                                                                       Elbert Hubbard

Sadly, week-in and week-out I get calls from any number of singles who tell me that they have been reluctant to date and develop relationships because they are afraid of making another mistake and getting hurt. Still others express similar concerns because of their fear of disappointment with any relationships that they may develop. They simply do not want to get hurt.

As a result of the reluctance that these fears and concerns breed, many of these people, though they may be successful in their careers or with their families, have less than satisfactory and fulfilled social or romantic lives.

It’s a sad commentary, but if you desire to be perfect and without risk in your dating life, this can often translate into a kind of self-imposed social celibacy and even a paralysis when it comes to putting yourself out there. You, me and every other single cannot hope to be perfect. And, if you are not willing to make a mistake, even – dare I say – a LOT of them, in your dating and relationship life, you likely will not  progress. It’s that simple. 

Now, here is the “Catch.” You have to be willing to make a lot of mistakes in your relationships to learn how NOT TO make mistakes. But the key is that you need to learn from every mistake you make. So, take calculated risks, make mistakes – but take care to learn from and take responsibility for each poor decision or error in judgment that you make. Otherwise, if you don’t recognize your mistakes, or just try to pawn them off on somebody or something else without taking responsibility, you will keep making the same mistakes over and over again with no apparent benefit.

It may help if you think of it this way. Dating and building relationships take a lot of practice. And, trust me, the only way you are going to get that practice and become proficient is to actually date and build relationships and experience some disappointment along the way.

Now, keep in mind, no one said that it would be easy to accept and deal with the pain and sometimes heartbreak that come from trying and failing in some of your dating and relationship experiences. And occasionally, you may have to take a little time off to “lick your wounds” and heal from setbacks. Still, eventually you have to “suck it up” and learn to approach each new opportunity to date and develop a relationship with hope and the anticipation that eventually you will be successful.

Moreover, you must learn to take a certain amount of rejection pragmatically. For each and every single, your (and their) relationship choices are a product of individual tastes, preferences and desires. Thus, choosing not to date or form a relationship with another is not a condemnation of that person or partner, but an affirmation of your (and their) preferences and anticipation of how the future together will or won’t be.  

There is a positive payoff for making and learning from all your mistakes. You see:

- Wisdom comes from making Good Decisions and using Sound Judgment over time.

- The ability to make Good Decisions and apply Sound Judgment comes from your Experience.

How do you get Experience?

- Experience is the result of Making and Observing Mistakes and Bad Decisions by ourselves and others and Learning the Lessons from each of them over time.

Thus, each mistake in judgment can be a gift toward a more promising and fulfilling future, IF you are willing to:

1) Pay the price 
2) Take the responsibility … and
3) Learn the lesson that each of your “failures” teaches.

“Real failure comes not from trying and failing, but instead from failing to try.
As a result, often the biggest burden any of us has to carry around is our own unfulfilled potential.”

I wrote those words a number of years ago. Not surprisingly, it was after one of my relationships failed. I think that these thoughts are still appropriate today.

What do you think? Are you willing to pay the price of failure?

Here’s to a positive approach to dating and the courage to move forward each day.

What do singles organizations know that you should, too?

As a single looking to meet, date and possibly form relationships with members of the opposite sex, it helps to understand a few “insider tips.” Specifically, most of the singles organizations and businesses are aware of these secrets. For you, knowing them can help you be more successful in your singles search, or at least to avoid some expensive or unproductive singles traps. Here are seven of the most common:

1. Many singles businesses focus solely on trying to convince you that the key to finding that special someone is to sort through as many people as you can in the shortest amount of time. While this “hunt and sort” approach readily adapts to mass marketing and is generally fairly inexpensive and harmless to try, it has little to do with the ways that most people actually meet and interact.

2. By the same token, many singles don’t use outings hosted by singles clubs or groups to their best advantage because they try too much to “hunt and sort” through the attendees. Somehow, they hope to cut their favorites “away from the herd” instead of attempting to get to know and become friends with several of the attendees (including their favorites), by gradually networking socially with them over time.

3. One of the main reasons that people fail in singles organizations is that they simply are not patient enough nor do they put enough effort or commitment into the process. Too often, singles are looking for a “quick fix.” They go to one or two outings and if they’ve not met someone to date, they give up. Face it, looking for Mr. or Ms. Right takes time. And, once you are over the age of 30, it can take even more time and be even more difficult. As tough as it is to be patient, you just have to be.

4. Some dating services take advantage of the impatience and heightened sense of urgency that a lot of singles feel to prey upon them with claims of having exclusive knowledge of “a hidden market of select single professionals” that no one else knows about. And, of course, they charge a hefty fee for access to this magic market. Folks, there is no “silver bullet” that will cure your social life instantly. Don’t let some “upscale” dating service bilk you financially with promises of revealing it.

5. Don’t place a high degree of faith in the process of finding your perfect match based on this long listing of verbal criteria that some services use to pair you up. These questionnaires help to eliminate some suitors through obvious non-negotiable traits like smoking, religion, age, height, kids, pets, etc. They are much less effective when it comes to discerning what “attractive,” “athletic,” and similar words look like. Studies have shown that singles have trouble expressing in words exactly what they are looking for. They just know it when they meet it. Moreover, you know that your tastes and preferences change based on people you meet each day who embody new attractive and appealing traits that you are seeking.

6. Beware of any dating service that says that upon briefly meeting you or talking over the phone that they “have the perfect guy or lady in mind for you.” This is the biggest come-on in the business. It is intended to get you to sign on the dotted line now, for fear that if you hesitate, you might miss out on meeting you ideal match. What a crock! It would be tough enough to pay someone to select the perfect car for you. How likely do you think it is that some stranger can find the perfect match for you after only a brief interview? The reality is that dating services generally apply VERY LITTLE precision to their matches, but put a lot of effort into their sales pitches.

7. You should expect to pay something to participate in singles events or belong to singles organizations. Memberships of from $70 to $400 a year are fairly common. Some organizations charge a lot more – anywhere from $1200 a year to $4000 or more for some clubs or services. A few services even try to find out how much you make before deciding how much to charge you. While a quality singles club or service needs to be able to cover the cost of their time and administration, a higher membership fee does not insure better events or more interesting people. Often, the difference is in how slick (and costly) their advertising is.