Over the years, I have spoken with both male and with female friends about Internet dating services, including both pros and cons. It was obvious from our discussions that most of them had participated in this method of meeting potential suitors with varying degrees of success. I myself had tried several services with a total time “online” of over a year. I no longer participate in this activity, and have not for a couple of years. I will critically capsulize my experiences and their input.

I obviously am somewhat prejudiced about the best way to meet members of the opposite sex for dating and possible romance. That is a principal reason I formed this dining and social club. But that does not mean that I would discourage anyone for pursuing other means to meet the love of their life, be it on the Internet or speed dating or whatever. The intrigue alone of meeting a “blind date” on the Internet may make it a fun pursuit to some. Beware, however, that it can be a time-consuming and sometimes even addictive pursuit. Success requires thorough advance planning and preparation.

From what I garnered from my friends, the landscape of Internet dating services has not changed all that much since my experience. More enhancements are available today, but the end product itself is still basically the same. In general, the service provided is an online profile, compiled by the candidate him/herself based on a on a pre-designed questionnaire of attitude and values, punctuated with digital or scanned photos of the bachelor/bachelorette. These profiles are sortable and reviewable online, with varying methods of stratification, based on one or more criteria. Age range and geography are among the most common sorting mechanisms. The service is generally contracted for on a monthly or quarterly basis. Communication is conducted through a proprietary E-mail system within the service, with each person only identified by an online alphanumeric name (e.g. HOTLIPS 135).

Strengths of the Method – The principal advantage of online dating is being able to rifle through a large number of potential suitors in a very short time. It takes the profile preparation and sorting features previously available in video dating, improves and refines them and makes them easy to use in the convenience and privacy of y0ur 0wn home. The cost is relatively low, some new suitors continually join the database, and the commitment level is minimal (as little as a single introductory week). Because the individual controls the input, there can be a high degree of anonymity, especially if you do not post pictures. However, without a picture, your chances of being contacted markedly decreases.

There are generally more men than women who choose online dating, presumably because of the anonymity factor and l0w initial cost/commitment required. So, some men may go online who would not join singles groups, clubs or matchmaking organizations. Men also like the ease online dating offers to drift in and out of participation.

Weaknesses of the Method – In contrast, women are more reluctant to pursue Internet dating because of safety and verifiability issues. With anonymity comes the ability of the potential suitor to lie or at least exaggerate. With online dating, almost everybody lies about or exaggerates something. Men lie about their age, height, income or profession. Women lie about their age and weight. Both lie about their marital or relationship status. Online dating allows those who are not totally committed to their current relationship to anonymously troll for a “bigger, better deal” online. In my experience, I discovered some married cheaters, some relationship cheaters and some of what I call attention-seeking cyber-flirts. The latter are those who write you lots of E-mails to attract attention and gratify their ego, with apparently little desire to ever actually talk with or meet anyone.

The inaccuracies carry through to the pictures posted. Many photos are outdated, or professional “salon” photos to hide imperfections, or even photos of someone else. Additionally, typical headshots do not always match up to the total physical reality that one encounters in person. Some look better than their pictures, but many look worse.

Another weakness to Internet dating is the lack of commitment required. With little investment, genuine commitment can certainly come into question. Some participants are willing to sacrifice their integrity, rationalizing that they won’t likely run across this person on the other end of the E-mail again. Alas, anonymity can breed boorish behavior in a few.

To Succeed – With all the negatives I have outlined, you would think that I would not recommend Internet dating for anyone. But, if you were seeking a sorting type of experience, to check out what is out there, I would definitely recommend it. Here are a few thoughts my friends and I came up with to succeed (and be safe) online.

Use the trials, but don’t expect much. If you want to continue, try a 1-3 month commitment, costing around $10-$40. Select an online name that describes you and that will attract the type of person you want to meet. Names like “GIRLNEXTDOOR” or “BESTFRIEND” are better than “EASYLAY” or “PLAYBOY.” Take time to fill out your profile, honestly and expressively. Your first objective is to get a number of appropriate suitors to contact you. Secondly, you want to get the ones you feel like meeting to want to meet you. It is a selling process; your profile is the “brochure” needed to attract a customer’s interest in the product (you). Once you draw interest, you need to secure the face-to-face meeting (if you want it). Always be sure to stay in control of your decisions. Avoid continued E-mailing or meeting someone “just to be polite.” That wastes your time and theirs.

All of your E-mails should be personalized, pointing out aspects of the other person’s profile that especially drew your attention. Look for the same in their communication, so it is clear that they are not simply sending you “canned” letters. Do not give out your address and when you give out your phone number, a cell number is preferable to a home number. Do not give out your last name or phone number too early into the process. If you encounter any rude, abusive threatening or otherwise inappropriate communication, report this behavior to the service immediately. Unfortunately, online dating can attract a number of socially inept people and even a few sociopaths.

Only respond to those suitors who will either post a photo or will send you a photo online. If they will not, cut off communication. They likely have something to hide. Set a maximum number of E-mails that you will write to one person before insisting that they either talk to or meet you (reducing the cyber-flirts). Talk on the phone to each person you want to meet before you agree to see them in person. In many cases, this exposes cheaters. Exchange phone numbers, so you can contact each other if either of you is late, lost or a “no show”. Agree to meet in a low-key busy public place for a short first date (one cup of coffee or drink) in the daytime or early evening. Let someone close to you know where you will be and when. Consider having someone watch your house (unfortunately it happens). Arrange transportation to your date yourself. Do not agree to be picked up by the suitor; he/she is still a stranger.

Once you meet, keep the conversation light, while still getting the questions answered that you need, including some reference to his/her last relationship. Notice their eye contact and body language, especially on the tough questions. Be sure to ask the person questions about him or herself and LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Do not be thinking about the next question while they are talking. Notice the details and find something to compliment the person on, even if you are not interested. After a short date, the woman should 0ffer to split the bill; the man should pay it. Conclude with a comment on whether you want to meet again or a simple “good luck with (Match, E-Harmony or whatever service).”

So, now you are ready and well armed to face the Internet dating jungle with confidence and courage. Sorry ladies, you’re a little late to meet MRRIGHT187. I am sure that there are other MRRIGHTs out there by now though.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 at 3:51 pm and is filed under Notes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.