“Just What Are Singles Looking For?”
For more than 15 years, I have been involved with and led a number of singles organizations. During that time, I have talked with, listened to and observed the actions of thousands of singles. In all my conversations with these men and women, one of the questions I get asked all the time is, “Tell me, if you can, just what are singles looking for?”
Many of you no doubt would have a ready answer to this question, somehow relating it to food, sex or sports or perhaps shopping or shoes. These snarky evaluations are half made in jest and half made because singles are often uncomfortable trying to evaluate the motives of the opposite gender or openly express your own.
Here’s what I can tell you from my experience. Deep inside, both male and female singles appear to be motivated by essentially the same forces and desires. These are by no means magical or mysterious in their substance. Here are the five factors that I believe singles (and others) are looking for which drive their thoughts and actions:
*Love* – Singles are looking to find somebody to love. In addition, they want that same person to love them back, preferably by the same degree or even more. This may come as no surprise to many of you, but some may feel that sex or power or some other drive is more important. For a few, it may be. However, generally my experience is that love is the ultimate desire.
Beyond the love of that significant other, being liked and loved by family and friends appear to also be very important to the psyche of singles. Family and friends create the all-important support system to even out the ups and downs in life, as well as providing greater meaning.
*Hope* – Singles need something to look forward to, something to hope for. Hope drives us to press on when things are not going our way, when relationships fail, jobs disappear and health begins to decline.
If you and I do not have hope, our drive to care about and live life fully diminishes greatly. At that point, despair can set in. By contrast, hopeful people have a natural charisma and this actually can attract good things to happen for them.
*Faith* – Everyone needs something to believe in. For many, it is God. For others, it is the collective “goodness” of humanity. Many believe in the strength and principles of our country or our leaders. Still others simply believe in themselves, their abilities or accomplishments, or in other people. Tradition is extremely important to many.
Faith, in whatever form it occurs for us, gives us the strength, moral compass and courage to persevere in times when rational approaches are not adequate. Moreover, it provides the “steel in the spine” that singles need when facing our problems alone.
*Accomplishment* – Whether we are children or adults, we all need something to do, toward which to strive to achieve, and to challenge our abilities. For some of us, it is having and raising a family. For others, it is succeeding in our careers or simply achieving monetary success. Many find it worthwhile to volunteer for charities, teach or otherwise serve others. And for some, it is simply finding ways to enjoy life as much as possible without the stresses of a demanding job.
As is the case for many of these factors, feelings of accomplishment are largely in the mind of each individual — self-satisfaction, if you will. These feelings can be fortified and reinforced through recognition by others, gaining the respect of our peers, or concrete measures like earnings, but the feeling is still largely internal.
*Meaning* – All people, including singles, strive to find meaning in their lives. There is an inherent hunger inside all of us to know that somehow our lives matter. What could be a more fundamental question for us as singles to be seeking an answer to?
Figuring out precisely how these driving forces manifest themselves in each of our lives (along with the relative importance of each one), provides the keys to what motivates us as individuals and as part of our society. Certainly, the argument can be made that these are not the only “drivers” in the lives of singles. Still, if you closely examined any other potential drivers, I believe that you would be able to categorize nearly every one under one of these more encompassing desire factors.
Familiarizing ourselves with the five factors I have outlined above and realizing the universality of their appeal among both men and women should help us better understand and relate to each other as singles and as people, as well as potential friends, dates and relationship partners. And, knowing that, deep inside, our basic human needs and desires are fundamentally the same, be we male or female, and regardless of our personal histories or backgrounds, can help us to really feel and have empathy for each other.
How about you? What are the forces that drive you? What are you looking for?
