“It’s the Second Question that Is More Important! (Plus 10 More)”
As a guy who has been planning and hosting singles events for more than a decade, I’m often asked one all-important question. At least the singles who ask it, both male and female, believe it’s the most important question. I personally beg to differ.
Their somewhat compound question, which has been posed in a variety of different ways, basically boils down to, “Where do I go to meet that special somebody and how do I find this person once I get there?”
Wow! The mysteries of the male/female relationship summarized in such a simple question. I usually tell these singles about the two approaches to meeting other compatible unattached professionals. There are the “transactional” approaches – basically hunting and sorting through lots of singles to find the “right” one. This approach is exclusive, that is it excludes all but the limited few who meet some fairly basic criteria initially (looks, job, geography, age, etc.). Internet dating, personals ads or speed dating are examples, as are cruising the bars and singles dances.
The alternative approach I share with my inquisitive single friends is the “relational” model for finding and relating to other dateable singles. This technique emphasizes: 1) An “inclusive” approach of getting to know a number of people over time, whether you are initially attracted to them in a romantic way or not,
2) Becoming friends first … and then
3) Building all kinds of relationships, both romantic and non-romantic.
Examples of the “relational model” are singles clubs, singles groups, church groups or singles athletic teams or leagues – all ways of meeting people several times over a stretch of time. In these ways, you can get to know each other in natural, not contrived, settings. The advantage that these approaches have are that it becomes more difficult for somebody to hide or misrepresent who they are and your decision whether to go out with them doesn’t need to be so impulsive.
While I prefer the “relational model,” I do recommend trying both approaches. Join a singles club and either go to some singles dances, try Internet dating for a month or two or participate in some speed dating events. One approach may work better for you than another. A lot has to do with your social skills and comfort level.
Still, focusing strictly on ways to meet other singles who might be attractive to you misses the more important point. Too many singles tend to think that finding the person who is right for them is a lot like an Easter egg hunt. Just keep hunting, sifting and searching among the weeds and sooner or later you are going to find the one who is right for you. Well, things don’t work that way.
Here is the problem: singles often fail to ask the more important SECOND QUESTION when they consider their search for their compatible mate. Here is that key question that often goes unasked – “How do I, as a single person, relate to ALL people, so that my special some0ne can find and be attracted to me?”
It is not enough to find a person who you are drawn to – the attraction has to somehow be mutual, or you’ll have accomplished little. I may figure out a way to meet Julia Roberts. That doesn’t mean that she will be the least bit interested in me!
Here are ten more related follow-up questions to ask yourself that may help you define your answer to that more important second question:
- “How do I treat other people around me? In general, am I courteous and kind to others, even if they are not anybody I would be interested in dating?”
- “Am I more likely to ask others questions, really listening to their answers and opinions? Am I interested in finding out what interests them? Or, do I instead choose to talk, especially about myself, and aggressively push my own opinions?”
- “Am I resentful, judgmental of or do I speak disparagingly about other people or groups, or generally try to find the best in, or even encourage greatness in others?”
- “Do I ever speak about or treat others with contempt?” (Hint: Often roll my eyes?)
- “Would others likely describe me as confident, outgoing and friendly? Or, would they instead use words like ‘arrogant,’ ‘pushy’ or ‘overbearing’?”
- “Do I generally project an upbeat, hopeful and positive outlook on life? Or do I choose to be pessimistic about the future, negative in my thoughts and even bitter?”
- “Do I gauge people based on what they say, do and how they treat me? Or, am I more likely to react to them based on the actions of others with whom I have had relationships in the past?”
- “Can I be playful, fun and exhibit a good sense of humor? Or, do I tend to always be serious, overly sensitive, defensive and even morose?”
- “Can I be happy with and by myself or with friends? Or do I HAVE to be with a partner to be happy and fulfilled?”
- “Can others be comfortable and themselves around me, or do I often exhibit ‘needy’ behavior that scares people off?”
This bevy of questions is by no means totally comprehensive. And, rest assured, you have to be yourself. Still, that does not mean that each of us, by asking ourselves some introspective questions, cannot improve who we are and our appeal to others.
You see, people judge us not just by the way we treat them, but also by the way we treat their friends and others in general. The good news is it is not too late for us to practice being a better, more interesting and fun person. It certainly is worth a try!
