As toddlers and pre-schoolers, we all found it very easy to concentrate on and grasp things that were organized in threes. Consider the following:
– Learning our A,B,Cs and 1,2,3s
– Choosing from chocolate, vanilla or strawberry (give us more choices at that age and we’d get confused)
– The Three Bears, Three Little Pigs and Three Billy Goats Gruff
I’m sure that if you try, you can wink, blink and nod to come up with several more.

A little later in life, we were introduced to the Holy Trinity, as well as to the concept of body, mind and spirit. While those were a bit more difficult to comprehend, we managed to rely on rock, paper and scissors to sort out any arguments we had.

So, why emphasize organizing concepts into threes? Psychologists tell us it is because we can focus on and mentally grasp things easily in bits of threes – our brains are simply trained that way. Bringing ideas or tasks together in threes fits into our comfort zone of how to organize and process our world. Adding more elements only makes our comprehension and ability to focus considerably more difficult at a subconscious level.

Think of it like being told you had to eat a watermelon. Looking at the entire watermelon and thinking about the number of bites it would take to consume makes it seem like a daunting task. But, if someone said that you had a week to accomplish the feat, you would likely begin by carving off just one slice to eat today. Tomorrow, you would do the same thing, or if you were really hungry and ambitious, eat two slices. Large lists of tasks become much less monumental and more easily focused on when divided in bite-size pieces of three.

Here’s how “three-ness” applies in a business application. Most business logos are constructed with three or fewer colors, and these are used consistently. Why? Because it makes a logo more instantly recognizable and creates less dissonance when we view it. How would you feel if you saw the McDonald’s logo portrayed in 6 or 7 colors woven into a complex design? It likely would not be very recognizable to you from a distance. Yet that red, yellow and white logo design instantly registers from the highway in an instant. Bingo – the simplicity of three consistent colors.

How would you feel if the McDonald’s logo was rendered in lime green and blue? I’m betting that it wouldn’t be as appetizing to you. How about if the Coca Cola logo was done in purple and brown or an entire rainbow? Ooohh! Not so good. Marketers know to keep the number of colors on a logo to three or fewer, and use them consistently.

The same holds true for quality Web site design. The idea is to make visitors to a site feel at ease and want to linger. To accomplish this goal, the best site designers limit their color palette for a site to three.

The same holds true for type fonts. Top Web designers use three or fewer fonts and don’t vary the sizes all over the place. Throwing a variety of dissonant colors, type fonts and design elements together on the same Web site is a sure way to make visitors get confused, feel uncomfortable and lose focus. To the viewers, at least initially, the reasons why they feel this way may not be all that apparent.

Likewise, fashion design and interior design often follow the “Power of 3.” Think about a woman’s outfit that you find truly striking. Chances are that it is comprised of three or fewer colors. In addition, while the outfit may have one disparate element to make it stand out – like an eye-catching necklace – it won’t have a host of these elements to batter your senses. Geez! I’m suddenly feeling like Mr. Blackwell.

How about most attractive home designs? The same principles hold true. The best interior designs maintain some continuity. They are not contemporary in one room and French provincial in another, with an inexplicable rainbow of colors. Limiting the color palette to three colors, used creatively, helps to make the house flow together.

So, I’ve given you a few tips for understanding what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable on a Web site. And more on how the “Power of 3″ can improve your fashion style and the interior design of your apartment or home. But, how can you specifically use the “Power of 3″ to improve your single life?

Simple – or, more appropriately, use the “Power of 3″ to simplify and focus.

Let me explain. Being a single means you are confronted daily with a smorgasbord of options. This is especially true if you are newly single. While your range of possible choices and freedom to choose can be invigorating, they also can quickly become overwhelming.

Don’t try to make endless lists of things to do, people to meet, places to go and traits that you are looking for in a guy or woman you’d like to date. Instead, try organizing everything into easily understood groupings of threes. By focusing your efforts on just three tasks, options or qualities at a time, you’ll find you can cut down on the sense of overwhelm that causes the paralysis of procrastination.

Try utilizing the same principle when you go to a party. For the first 30-45 minutes or so, mix and mingle and scan the available options of the men or women you would really like to meet and get to know. Then, pick the three people on which you would most like to concentrate your attention for the rest of the night.

Approach your targeted trio, one at a time, say “Hi!” and start the conversation. If one or two of your selections don’t seem interested, pick another. The idea is not to let the immense range of choices cause you to hesitate to connect with the 1, 2, or 3 individuals in that crowd to whom you are most attracted.

Again, the real “Power of 3″ comes in its ability to break down complex choices into a size that is easier to understand and focus on — the three things that are most important to you at any one moment in time.

Why not give the “Power of 3″ a try! Perhaps this little technique will become the genie to help you to make your three fondest wishes come true.

I obviously am somewhat prejudiced about the best way to meet members of the opposite sex for dating and possible romance. That is a principal reason I formed this dining and social club. But that does not mean that I would discourage anyone for pursuing other means to meet the love of their life, be it on the Internet or speed dating or whatever. The intrigue alone of meeting a “blind date” on the Internet may make it a fun pursuit to some. Beware, however, that it can be a time-consuming and sometimes even addictive pursuit. Success requires thorough advance planning and preparation.

From what I garnered from my friends, the landscape of Internet dating services has not changed all that much since my experience. More enhancements are available today, but the end product itself is still basically the same. In general, the service provided is an online profile, compiled by the candidate him/herself based on a on a pre-designed questionnaire of attitude and values, punctuated with digital or scanned photos of the bachelor/bachelorette. These profiles are sortable and reviewable online, with varying methods of stratification, based on one or more criteria. Age range and geography are among the most common sorting mechanisms. The service is generally contracted for on a monthly or quarterly basis. Communication is conducted through a proprietary E-mail system within the service, with each person only identified by an online alphanumeric name (e.g. HOTLIPS 135).

Strengths of the Method – The principal advantage of online dating is being able to rifle through a large number of potential suitors in a very short time. It takes the profile preparation and sorting features previously available in video dating, improves and refines them and makes them easy to use in the convenience and privacy of y0ur 0wn home. The cost is relatively low, some new suitors continually join the database, and the commitment level is minimal (as little as a single introductory week). Because the individual controls the input, there can be a high degree of anonymity, especially if you do not post pictures. However, without a picture, your chances of being contacted markedly decreases.

There are generally more men than women who choose online dating, presumably because of the anonymity factor and l0w initial cost/commitment required. So, some men may go online who would not join singles groups, clubs or matchmaking organizations. Men also like the ease online dating offers to drift in and out of participation.

Weaknesses of the Method – In contrast, women are more reluctant to pursue Internet dating because of safety and verifiability issues. With anonymity comes the ability of the potential suitor to lie or at least exaggerate. With online dating, almost everybody lies about or exaggerates something. Men lie about their age, height, income or profession. Women lie about their age and weight. Both lie about their marital or relationship status. Online dating allows those who are not totally committed to their current relationship to anonymously troll for a “bigger, better deal” online. In my experience, I discovered some married cheaters, some relationship cheaters and some of what I call attention-seeking cyber-flirts. The latter are those who write you lots of E-mails to attract attention and gratify their ego, with apparently little desire to ever actually talk with or meet anyone.

The inaccuracies carry through to the pictures posted. Many photos are outdated, or professional “salon” photos to hide imperfections, or even photos of someone else. Additionally, typical headshots do not always match up to the total physical reality that one encounters in person. Some look better than their pictures, but many look worse.

Another weakness to Internet dating is the lack of commitment required. With little investment, genuine commitment can certainly come into question. Some participants are willing to sacrifice their integrity, rationalizing that they won’t likely run across this person on the other end of the E-mail again. Alas, anonymity can breed boorish behavior in a few.

To Succeed – With all the negatives I have outlined, you would think that I would not recommend Internet dating for anyone. But, if you were seeking a sorting type of experience, to check out what is out there, I would definitely recommend it. Here are a few thoughts my friends and I came up with to succeed (and be safe) online.

Use the trials, but don’t expect much. If you want to continue, try a 1-3 month commitment, costing around $10-$40. Select an online name that describes you and that will attract the type of person you want to meet. Names like “GIRLNEXTDOOR” or “BESTFRIEND” are better than “EASYLAY” or “PLAYBOY.” Take time to fill out your profile, honestly and expressively. Your first objective is to get a number of appropriate suitors to contact you. Secondly, you want to get the ones you feel like meeting to want to meet you. It is a selling process; your profile is the “brochure” needed to attract a customer’s interest in the product (you). Once you draw interest, you need to secure the face-to-face meeting (if you want it). Always be sure to stay in control of your decisions. Avoid continued E-mailing or meeting someone “just to be polite.” That wastes your time and theirs.

All of your E-mails should be personalized, pointing out aspects of the other person’s profile that especially drew your attention. Look for the same in their communication, so it is clear that they are not simply sending you “canned” letters. Do not give out your address and when you give out your phone number, a cell number is preferable to a home number. Do not give out your last name or phone number too early into the process. If you encounter any rude, abusive threatening or otherwise inappropriate communication, report this behavior to the service immediately. Unfortunately, online dating can attract a number of socially inept people and even a few sociopaths.

Only respond to those suitors who will either post a photo or will send you a photo online. If they will not, cut off communication. They likely have something to hide. Set a maximum number of E-mails that you will write to one person before insisting that they either talk to or meet you (reducing the cyber-flirts). Talk on the phone to each person you want to meet before you agree to see them in person. In many cases, this exposes cheaters. Exchange phone numbers, so you can contact each other if either of you is late, lost or a “no show”. Agree to meet in a low-key busy public place for a short first date (one cup of coffee or drink) in the daytime or early evening. Let someone close to you know where you will be and when. Consider having someone watch your house (unfortunately it happens). Arrange transportation to your date yourself. Do not agree to be picked up by the suitor; he/she is still a stranger.

Once you meet, keep the conversation light, while still getting the questions answered that you need, including some reference to his/her last relationship. Notice their eye contact and body language, especially on the tough questions. Be sure to ask the person questions about him or herself and LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Do not be thinking about the next question while they are talking. Notice the details and find something to compliment the person on, even if you are not interested. After a short date, the woman should 0ffer to split the bill; the man should pay it. Conclude with a comment on whether you want to meet again or a simple “good luck with (Match, E-Harmony or whatever service).”

So, now you are ready and well armed to face the Internet dating jungle with confidence and courage. Sorry ladies, you’re a little late to meet MRRIGHT187. I am sure that there are other MRRIGHTs out there by now though.

Many of you no doubt would have a ready answer to this question, somehow relating it to food, sex or sports or perhaps shopping or shoes. These snarky evaluations are half made in jest and half made because singles are often uncomfortable trying to evaluate the motives of the opposite gender or openly express your own.

Here’s what I can tell you from my experience. Deep inside, both male and female singles appear to be motivated by essentially the same forces and desires. These are by no means magical or mysterious in their substance. Here are the five factors that I believe singles (and others) are looking for which drive their thoughts and actions:

*Love* – Singles are looking to find somebody to love. In addition, they want that same person to love them back, preferably by the same degree or even more. This may come as no surprise to many of you, but some may feel that sex or power or some other drive is more important. For a few, it may be. However, generally my experience is that love is the ultimate desire.

Beyond the love of that significant other, being liked and loved by family and friends appear to also be very important to the psyche of singles. Family and friends create the all-important support system to even out the ups and downs in life, as well as providing greater meaning.

*Hope* – Singles need something to look forward to, something to hope for. Hope drives us to press on when things are not going our way, when relationships fail, jobs disappear and health begins to decline.

If you and I do not have hope, our drive to care about and live life fully diminishes greatly. At that point, despair can set in. By contrast, hopeful people have a natural charisma and this actually can attract good things to happen for them.

*Faith* – Everyone needs something to believe in. For many, it is God. For others, it is the collective “goodness” of humanity. Many believe in the strength and principles of our country or our leaders. Still others simply believe in themselves, their abilities or accomplishments, or in other people. Tradition is extremely important to many.

Faith, in whatever form it occurs for us, gives us the strength, moral compass and courage to persevere in times when rational approaches are not adequate. Moreover, it provides the “steel in the spine” that singles need when facing our problems alone.

*Accomplishment* – Whether we are children or adults, we all need something to do, toward which to strive to achieve, and to challenge our abilities. For some of us, it is having and raising a family. For others, it is succeeding in our careers or simply achieving monetary success. Many find it worthwhile to volunteer for charities, teach or otherwise serve others. And for some, it is simply finding ways to enjoy life as much as possible without the stresses of a demanding job.

As is the case for many of these factors, feelings of accomplishment are largely in the mind of each individual — self-satisfaction, if you will. These feelings can be fortified and reinforced through recognition by others, gaining the respect of our peers, or concrete measures like earnings, but the feeling is still largely internal.

*Meaning* – All people, including singles, strive to find meaning in their lives. There is an inherent hunger inside all of us to know that somehow our lives matter. What could be a more fundamental question for us as singles to be seeking an answer to?
 
Figuring out precisely how these driving forces manifest themselves in each of our lives (along with the relative importance of each one), provides the keys to what motivates us as individuals and as part of our society. Certainly, the argument can be made that these are not the only “drivers” in the lives of singles. Still, if you closely examined any other potential drivers, I believe that you would be able to categorize nearly every one under one of these more encompassing desire factors.
 
Familiarizing ourselves with the five factors I have outlined above and realizing the universality of their appeal among both men and women should help us better understand and relate to each other as singles and as people, as well as potential friends, dates and relationship partners. And, knowing that, deep inside, our basic human needs and desires are fundamentally the same, be we male or female, and regardless of our personal histories or backgrounds, can help us to really feel and have empathy for each other.

How about you? What are the forces that drive you? What are you looking for?

To the child, this seems like a perfectly good rationale as to why he should be given it immediately. That little whiny voice, possibly accompanied by a tantrum – doesn’t that make you want to get away from the annoying situation and out of the store as soon as possible?

Well, the situation is no different for some fully grown adults. Somewhere along the line, they developed the idea that just because they wanted or expected certain things in life (e.g. the marriage, relationship, house or career they dreamed about), that they should have them. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that part. As long as the people who aspire to those goals are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve them, it is an admirable trait. 

Here’s where that rub grows annoying, especially when it comes to dating and building relationships. Some singles, when they suffer setbacks in their lives, constantly whine about their situation, complaining to anyone willing to listen, “Jeez, my life didn’t turn out like I thought it would,” or “Jeez, I don’t have this or that.” 

Wow, what a revelation! Now exactly whose life turned out precisely like they thought it would? And, for those fortunate few for which that turned out to be the case, how did it happen? Did they hit their lucky numbers or inherit their way to success? Some probably did, but more likely worked their asses off.

Somewhere along the line, some singles got the idea that a diet of whine, “jeez” and self-pity made them more attractive. At least, that must be the case. Why else would they complain about their lives and constantly look to others for sympathy?

Here’s a clue – misery does not love company – misery loves miserable company. If I feel self-pity, I might feel better about myself if you commiserate with me. So, we wallow in my (or our) miserable life (lives) for a little while, occasionally feeling better for that brief time.

Okay, so this approach is fine for a day or two, or maybe even a week. But after that, you’ve got to snap out of it. Life is a series of setbacks. Those who succeed in their jobs, at dating and building relationships, at marriage or at anything else are not those who don’t ever fail. They are those who observe themselves when they succeed and when they fail and adapt their “lessons learned” to future decisions.

Here’s another point. Just like the case of the tantrum child at the checkout, “whine and jeez” are not attractive to other singles, at least not healthy ones. Occasionally, a rescuer might want to help, but even rescuers grow tired of this act.

Gumption – now that is attractive. Our culture and other singles value spunk, like a Rocky who gets knocked down and keeps pulling himself off the canvass. We admire resilience. The person who succeeds is not only the one who can turn lemons into lemonade, but also lemon zest, lemon meringue pie and even lemon-scented Pledge.

So, if you are experiencing some periods where you are not, in your mind, achieving success, I suggest you start first by “canning” the “whine and jeez” act. It grows old quickly, annoys those around you and drags you further from your ultimate goal. People, especially singles, want to be around other positive people, not crybabies. 

Sure, this life so far may not have yet turned out like you thought it would. So what? Those who fail with life’s struggles do so more often by giving up than they do by screwing up. Now is the time, through a positive attitude and effort, to make the rest of it turn out like it is supposed to. Whether you enjoy and make the most of it (or not) is entirely up to you.

I close with two quotes that I feel express the value of resiliency and maintaining a positive attitude:              

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” – L. Clement Stone, founder of Combined Insurance (now Aon)

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” – Brian Tracy, author and success consultant

Here’s to your well developed, your new-found or your renewed can-do resiliency!

From France, we take a sharp right turn to ancient Greece. The writings of the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle provide us a priceless set of building blocks to examine and internalize for forming any type of relationship. When I first read about Ethos, Pathos and Logos, I got to thinking that they sounded a bit like the “Three Musketeers.” But, these are the key building blocks required to create any type of genuine connection, be it a friendship, a romantic or a business relationship.

Aristotle really knew what he was talking about. Here is an explanation of each element (and you absolutely need all three), and how they fit into the relationship puzzle:

Ethos (Greek for “character”) – When we meet someone new, we have to develop some sense of his/her character. Can we trust this person? Do we like him/her as a person? Can we respect them? Are they being authentic and credible? Are they worth being around and worthy of our time? Do they appear to demonstrate good sense? 

Though singles can sometimes be blinded by good looks or initially by enticing conversation, success in a relationship requires an ongoing trust and respect. If the person violates those feelings, the relationship may not survive. At best, it will be changed significantly. It is essential for us to know that anyone worthy of our time, love and affection is a good person inside. 

Pathos (Greek for “suffering” or “experience”) – It is not just enough for us as singles to trust the person with whom we want to form a relationship. That person has to be able to appeal to our emotions, our sympathies and our imagination. To succeed, they have to feel what we are feeling and be able to sympathize with it in a positive, not a pitying, way.

How many times have you heard, I really like him/her as a person, but I don’t feel that “magic.” It is because somehow the person you are dating does not touch your heartstrings or spark your imagination about what a wonder-filled future you would have together. And, you have to be able to do the same for him or her. What’s more, you need to be able to accomplish this while still being your authentic self.

Romantic words and deeds are the key to developing the emotional connection. They have to come naturally and comfortably. Doing things to continue to spark the imagination of your partner, craft continual “newness” and even create some mystery is also key.

It is easy to understand how Pathos can sometimes suffer in a marriage or long-term relationship. 

Logos (Greek for “word”) – From “logos” we derive our logic. For singles in a relationship, this is where logic, common sense and judgment fit into the equation. You and I might feel like dating a person with very expensive tastes, or one half-way around the world or half our age, but we still manage to add some sense of reality to the situation in order to reach a reasonable decision. We learn to evaluate the person and the situation based on the facts and our core values.

Note that I said core values, because sometimes, especially the older we get, we confuse values with habits or fears. Rather than looking to stretch our possibilities, we look at what is convenient or easy. Don’t allow getting “set in your ways” or setting low goals for yourself make you settle for less than you really deserve.

Though more than 2000 years have passed, Aristotle seems to have put his finger on the challenges that face today’s singles (and others) in forming and maintaining relationships. Each element – Ethos, Pathos and Logos – is a necessary building block. It is now up to us, you and me, to be the craftsmen to position them correctly, balancing each with the proper perspective. And then, armed with these “Three Musketeers of Connection” we can build the relationships of our dreams.

                                                                                       Elbert Hubbard

Sadly, week-in and week-out I get calls from any number of singles who tell me that they have been reluctant to date and develop relationships because they are afraid of making another mistake and getting hurt. Still others express similar concerns because of their fear of disappointment with any relationships that they may develop. They simply do not want to get hurt.

As a result of the reluctance that these fears and concerns breed, many of these people, though they may be successful in their careers or with their families, have less than satisfactory and fulfilled social or romantic lives.

It’s a sad commentary, but if you desire to be perfect and without risk in your dating life, this can often translate into a kind of self-imposed social celibacy and even a paralysis when it comes to putting yourself out there. You, me and every other single cannot hope to be perfect. And, if you are not willing to make a mistake, even – dare I say – a LOT of them, in your dating and relationship life, you likely will not  progress. It’s that simple. 

Now, here is the “Catch.” You have to be willing to make a lot of mistakes in your relationships to learn how NOT TO make mistakes. But the key is that you need to learn from every mistake you make. So, take calculated risks, make mistakes – but take care to learn from and take responsibility for each poor decision or error in judgment that you make. Otherwise, if you don’t recognize your mistakes, or just try to pawn them off on somebody or something else without taking responsibility, you will keep making the same mistakes over and over again with no apparent benefit.

It may help if you think of it this way. Dating and building relationships take a lot of practice. And, trust me, the only way you are going to get that practice and become proficient is to actually date and build relationships and experience some disappointment along the way.

Now, keep in mind, no one said that it would be easy to accept and deal with the pain and sometimes heartbreak that come from trying and failing in some of your dating and relationship experiences. And occasionally, you may have to take a little time off to “lick your wounds” and heal from setbacks. Still, eventually you have to “suck it up” and learn to approach each new opportunity to date and develop a relationship with hope and the anticipation that eventually you will be successful.

Moreover, you must learn to take a certain amount of rejection pragmatically. For each and every single, your (and their) relationship choices are a product of individual tastes, preferences and desires. Thus, choosing not to date or form a relationship with another is not a condemnation of that person or partner, but an affirmation of your (and their) preferences and anticipation of how the future together will or won’t be.  

There is a positive payoff for making and learning from all your mistakes. You see:

- Wisdom comes from making Good Decisions and using Sound Judgment over time.

- The ability to make Good Decisions and apply Sound Judgment comes from your Experience.

How do you get Experience?

- Experience is the result of Making and Observing Mistakes and Bad Decisions by ourselves and others and Learning the Lessons from each of them over time.

Thus, each mistake in judgment can be a gift toward a more promising and fulfilling future, IF you are willing to:

1) Pay the price 
2) Take the responsibility … and
3) Learn the lesson that each of your “failures” teaches.

“Real failure comes not from trying and failing, but instead from failing to try.
As a result, often the biggest burden any of us has to carry around is our own unfulfilled potential.”

I wrote those words a number of years ago. Not surprisingly, it was after one of my relationships failed. I think that these thoughts are still appropriate today.

What do you think? Are you willing to pay the price of failure?

Here’s to a positive approach to dating and the courage to move forward each day.

As a single looking to meet, date and possibly form relationships with members of the opposite sex, it helps to understand a few “insider tips.” Specifically, most of the singles organizations and businesses are aware of these secrets. For you, knowing them can help you be more successful in your singles search, or at least to avoid some expensive or unproductive singles traps. Here are seven of the most common:

1. Many singles businesses focus solely on trying to convince you that the key to finding that special someone is to sort through as many people as you can in the shortest amount of time. While this “hunt and sort” approach readily adapts to mass marketing and is generally fairly inexpensive and harmless to try, it has little to do with the ways that most people actually meet and interact.

2. By the same token, many singles don’t use outings hosted by singles clubs or groups to their best advantage because they try too much to “hunt and sort” through the attendees. Somehow, they hope to cut their favorites “away from the herd” instead of attempting to get to know and become friends with several of the attendees (including their favorites), by gradually networking socially with them over time.

3. One of the main reasons that people fail in singles organizations is that they simply are not patient enough nor do they put enough effort or commitment into the process. Too often, singles are looking for a “quick fix.” They go to one or two outings and if they’ve not met someone to date, they give up. Face it, looking for Mr. or Ms. Right takes time. And, once you are over the age of 30, it can take even more time and be even more difficult. As tough as it is to be patient, you just have to be.

4. Some dating services take advantage of the impatience and heightened sense of urgency that a lot of singles feel to prey upon them with claims of having exclusive knowledge of “a hidden market of select single professionals” that no one else knows about. And, of course, they charge a hefty fee for access to this magic market. Folks, there is no “silver bullet” that will cure your social life instantly. Don’t let some “upscale” dating service bilk you financially with promises of revealing it.

5. Don’t place a high degree of faith in the process of finding your perfect match based on this long listing of verbal criteria that some services use to pair you up. These questionnaires help to eliminate some suitors through obvious non-negotiable traits like smoking, religion, age, height, kids, pets, etc. They are much less effective when it comes to discerning what “attractive,” “athletic,” and similar words look like. Studies have shown that singles have trouble expressing in words exactly what they are looking for. They just know it when they meet it. Moreover, you know that your tastes and preferences change based on people you meet each day who embody new attractive and appealing traits that you are seeking.

6. Beware of any dating service that says that upon briefly meeting you or talking over the phone that they “have the perfect guy or lady in mind for you.” This is the biggest come-on in the business. It is intended to get you to sign on the dotted line now, for fear that if you hesitate, you might miss out on meeting you ideal match. What a crock! It would be tough enough to pay someone to select the perfect car for you. How likely do you think it is that some stranger can find the perfect match for you after only a brief interview? The reality is that dating services generally apply VERY LITTLE precision to their matches, but put a lot of effort into their sales pitches.

7. You should expect to pay something to participate in singles events or belong to singles organizations. Memberships of from $70 to $400 a year are fairly common. Some organizations charge a lot more – anywhere from $1200 a year to $4000 or more for some clubs or services. A few services even try to find out how much you make before deciding how much to charge you. While a quality singles club or service needs to be able to cover the cost of their time and administration, a higher membership fee does not insure better events or more interesting people. Often, the difference is in how slick (and costly) their advertising is.

Each week, I talk to a number of singles who are checking out different approaches and organizations where they can meet and get to know new single friends. There are certainly tens, or even hundreds, of ways to accomplish this in most major cities.

Most of you have probably tried some of the transactional (”hunt and sort”) methods of meeting someone. These include:

• Speed Dating                
• Video Dating                
• Singles Dances
• Internet Dating             
• Cruising Singles Bars    
• Singles Mixers
• Matchmaking                
• Gimmick Matching Parties (e.g. Nuts and Bolts)

In addition, you have also no doubt tried or belong to some relational (making friends first, over time) organizations that have meeting and getting to know other singles as one of their focuses or significant by-products. These include:

• Singles Clubs                
• Church Groups               
• Dance Clubs
• Singles Groups              
• Sports Clubs (Skiing, Tennis, Biking)
• Singles Golf         
• Charity, the Arts or Political Groups

If you are serious about your desire to meet new people, especially singles, I always suggest trying several approaches from both categories. Then, once you find those that work best for your skill set, coordination level, personality and communication style, try them for a longer period of time. By doing that, you are able to build your circle of friends, your familiarity and continuity and, most of all, your confidence.

There is one area where a lot of singles go wrong in this “new people meeting” process. They do not have any patience in their approach to commit to a few of these methods for any period of time. Instead, they hop among all the groups and events like a frog on a frying pan. In doing so, they don’t get to know the other singles and may even cause others to think they are aloof or “window-shopping cruisers.” These event-hoppers may even come to blame the organization or its members for their inability to connect.

It is important to remember that dating and building relationships is probably about 20% FINDING the right person and 80% BEING the right person. After all, just because you could find George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston does not mean either would be interested in dating you. But, because both elements are necessary for a connection, it’s often easier to rationalize any lack of progress on the “finding.”

Discovering the best and most comfortable singles clubs, groups or mix of events is key to your success. To a large extent, they help you target those venues, activities and crowd mix where you can meet and be confident among singles you might wish to date and even develop a relationship. Participating in these clubs, groups and events helps you put your best foot forward. But, they are not like paying for a mail-order bride. Regardless of how costly, exclusive, trendy or clever any of these approaches are, they don’t determine your final level of success – you do.

Whether you are a man or a woman, it is better to think of these meeting methods as the “arrows” of your efforts. So, it is up to you to be the skilled “archer,” to develop your social and communication skills and the personal charisma to make each of the “arrows” work most effectively for you.

By focusing your efforts on the target (i.e. making friends, dating, developing relationships) and selecting the proper arrows to accomplish this, you should be in a good position to demonstrate your archery skills. Then, while the arrows may play a role, it is more likely your skills as an archer (and those of the other archers around you) that will ultimately determine how effective you are as a developer of friends, dating possibilities and relationships.   

So, choose your arrows for success wisely, practice and apply your skills and keep your eye on the target!

Flirting is an art that requires oozing confidence without coming across as being obnoxious or a braggart. By going too far, you can get labeled as “slimy” or “self-absorbed.” If you don’t go far enough, you can be seen as “wimpy” or just “dull.” 

So how do you achieve that “happy medium” point online, that is somewhere between the over-the-top and underwhelming characteristics I mentioned above? And, how do you especially do it online without using eye contact or body language? 

To get started, first, you need a computer and an Internet connection, plus a membership in an online dating site, right? If you’ve not picked out your perfect site yet, ask your friends. Also, take advantage of most sites’ trial membership periods.

Once you start reviewing the online profiles of your potential dates, and are ready to begin communicating with them, it is time to start the online flirtation process. Here are what I believe are the seven elements of successful online flirtation:

1. Show a sense of humor. Have fun. Being light-hearted, funny and entertaining will make your Internet contact eager to communicate with you further. Forget your “business face”; flirting should be playful. 

2. Let your communications radiate confidence. Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit the “feel good” factor. An optimistic, up-beat attitude attracts others who themselves desire to live a full, happy life. 

3. Read the profile and E-mails from potential dates carefully. Look for things that you have in common, as well as things about you two that are new and different. Then, listen, listen and listen some more. In your E-mails, cite details that make your E-date realize you are not sending some “canned” form letter. Ask appropriate questions that relate to those specifics to get that person to open up and talk more about him/herself. Make them feel like they’re interesting and that you are specifically interested in them.

4. Find something, anything, to compliment about the person you are writing to. Certainly, appearance is one thing. But, don’t let your compliments be just about their looks. Point out things that you liked specifically in their profile. Make sure your compliments are delivered with the utmost sincerely. Nothing opens doors like making your potential date feel good about him/herself. Chances are, that person will want to spend more time either writing to you or meeting you in person. If he or she pays you a compliment in return, simply say “thank you.” There’s a time to be self-deprecating; this is not it. 

5. Meet the E-date as soon as comfortably possible. The primary objective to any online date is to go from E-mail to phone call to an in-person meeting as soon as you are both comfortable. In doing this, beware of “cyber-flirts” and “cyber–teasers,” along with cheaters. If, after 7-10 E-mails or a week or two of communications, a person does not want to talk with you or meet you, move on. Life is too short for someone who just wants to gratify their ego teasing or deceiving sincere Internet daters. 

6. Don’t be rude or boorish. Flirting does not include being sexually explicit nor taking offense if the person doesn’t respond to you. If they’re not interested, take the hint and move on to the next prospect. If you continue to get a lot of rejections, you should probably consider a different approach. 

7. If you finally talk on the phone or meet in person, be sure to send a follow-up E-mail after your chat. It is sort of like sending a thank you note for a gift, and it is vital to successful flirting. 

Remember that flirting is merely the first step to a successful relationship. Slow but steady progression wins the race. If you make flirting fun and meaningful communication for both you and your newfound Internet date, who knows, you might just end up with a lot of in-person dates!