As singles, you and I make a lot of decisions in our lives based on subliminal messages and subconsciously ingrained psychological influences. To understand one of these, the “Power of 3,” it helps if we take a step back into our early childhood.

As toddlers and pre-schoolers, we all found it very easy to concentrate on and grasp things that were organized in threes. Consider the following:
– Learning our A,B,Cs and 1,2,3s
– Choosing from chocolate, vanilla or strawberry (give us more choices at that age and we’d get confused)
– The Three Bears, Three Little Pigs and Three Billy Goats Gruff
I’m sure that if you try, you can wink, blink and nod to come up with several more.

A little later in life, we were introduced to the Holy Trinity, as well as to the concept of body, mind and spirit. While those were a bit more difficult to comprehend, we managed to rely on rock, paper and scissors to sort out any arguments we had.

So, why emphasize organizing concepts into threes? Psychologists tell us it is because we can focus on and mentally grasp things easily in bits of threes – our brains are simply trained that way. Bringing ideas or tasks together in threes fits into our comfort zone of how to organize and process our world. Adding more elements only makes our comprehension and ability to focus considerably more difficult at a subconscious level.

Think of it like being told you had to eat a watermelon. Looking at the entire watermelon and thinking about the number of bites it would take to consume makes it seem like a daunting task. But, if someone said that you had a week to accomplish the feat, you would likely begin by carving off just one slice to eat today. Tomorrow, you would do the same thing, or if you were really hungry and ambitious, eat two slices. Large lists of tasks become much less monumental and more easily focused on when divided in bite-size pieces of three.

Here’s how “three-ness” applies in a business application. Most business logos are constructed with three or fewer colors, and these are used consistently. Why? Because it makes a logo more instantly recognizable and creates less dissonance when we view it. How would you feel if you saw the McDonald’s logo portrayed in 6 or 7 colors woven into a complex design? It likely would not be very recognizable to you from a distance. Yet that red, yellow and white logo design instantly registers from the highway in an instant. Bingo – the simplicity of three consistent colors.

How would you feel if the McDonald’s logo was rendered in lime green and blue? I’m betting that it wouldn’t be as appetizing to you. How about if the Coca Cola logo was done in purple and brown or an entire rainbow? Ooohh! Not so good. Marketers know to keep the number of colors on a logo to three or fewer, and use them consistently.

The same holds true for quality Web site design. The idea is to make visitors to a site feel at ease and want to linger. To accomplish this goal, the best site designers limit their color palette for a site to three.

The same holds true for type fonts. Top Web designers use three or fewer fonts and don’t vary the sizes all over the place. Throwing a variety of dissonant colors, type fonts and design elements together on the same Web site is a sure way to make visitors get confused, feel uncomfortable and lose focus. To the viewers, at least initially, the reasons why they feel this way may not be all that apparent.

Likewise, fashion design and interior design often follow the “Power of 3.” Think about a woman’s outfit that you find truly striking. Chances are that it is comprised of three or fewer colors. In addition, while the outfit may have one disparate element to make it stand out – like an eye-catching necklace – it won’t have a host of these elements to batter your senses. Geez! I’m suddenly feeling like Mr. Blackwell.

How about most attractive home designs? The same principles hold true. The best interior designs maintain some continuity. They are not contemporary in one room and French provincial in another, with an inexplicable rainbow of colors. Limiting the color palette to three colors, used creatively, helps to make the house flow together.

So, I’ve given you a few tips for understanding what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable on a Web site. And more on how the “Power of 3″ can improve your fashion style and the interior design of your apartment or home. But, how can you specifically use the “Power of 3″ to improve your single life?

Simple – or, more appropriately, use the “Power of 3″ to simplify and focus.

Let me explain. Being a single means you are confronted daily with a smorgasbord of options. This is especially true if you are newly single. While your range of possible choices and freedom to choose can be invigorating, they also can quickly become overwhelming.

Don’t try to make endless lists of things to do, people to meet, places to go and traits that you are looking for in a guy or woman you’d like to date. Instead, try organizing everything into easily understood groupings of threes. By focusing your efforts on just three tasks, options or qualities at a time, you’ll find you can cut down on the sense of overwhelm that causes the paralysis of procrastination.

Try utilizing the same principle when you go to a party. For the first 30-45 minutes or so, mix and mingle and scan the available options of the men or women you would really like to meet and get to know. Then, pick the three people on which you would most like to concentrate your attention for the rest of the night.

Approach your targeted trio, one at a time, say “Hi!” and start the conversation. If one or two of your selections don’t seem interested, pick another. The idea is not to let the immense range of choices cause you to hesitate to connect with the 1, 2, or 3 individuals in that crowd to whom you are most attracted.

Again, the real “Power of 3″ comes in its ability to break down complex choices into a size that is easier to understand and focus on — the three things that are most important to you at any one moment in time.

Why not give the “Power of 3″ a try! Perhaps this little technique will become the genie to help you to make your three fondest wishes come true.

Over the years, I have spoken with both male and with female friends about Internet dating services, including both pros and cons. It was obvious from our discussions that most of them had participated in this method of meeting potential suitors with varying degrees of success. I myself had tried several services with a total time “online” of over a year. I no longer participate in this activity, and have not for a couple of years. I will critically capsulize my experiences and their input.

I obviously am somewhat prejudiced about the best way to meet members of the opposite sex for dating and possible romance. That is a principal reason I formed this dining and social club. But that does not mean that I would discourage anyone for pursuing other means to meet the love of their life, be it on the Internet or speed dating or whatever. The intrigue alone of meeting a “blind date” on the Internet may make it a fun pursuit to some. Beware, however, that it can be a time-consuming and sometimes even addictive pursuit. Success requires thorough advance planning and preparation.

From what I garnered from my friends, the landscape of Internet dating services has not changed all that much since my experience. More enhancements are available today, but the end product itself is still basically the same. In general, the service provided is an online profile, compiled by the candidate him/herself based on a on a pre-designed questionnaire of attitude and values, punctuated with digital or scanned photos of the bachelor/bachelorette. These profiles are sortable and reviewable online, with varying methods of stratification, based on one or more criteria. Age range and geography are among the most common sorting mechanisms. The service is generally contracted for on a monthly or quarterly basis. Communication is conducted through a proprietary E-mail system within the service, with each person only identified by an online alphanumeric name (e.g. HOTLIPS 135).

Strengths of the Method – The principal advantage of online dating is being able to rifle through a large number of potential suitors in a very short time. It takes the profile preparation and sorting features previously available in video dating, improves and refines them and makes them easy to use in the convenience and privacy of y0ur 0wn home. The cost is relatively low, some new suitors continually join the database, and the commitment level is minimal (as little as a single introductory week). Because the individual controls the input, there can be a high degree of anonymity, especially if you do not post pictures. However, without a picture, your chances of being contacted markedly decreases.

There are generally more men than women who choose online dating, presumably because of the anonymity factor and l0w initial cost/commitment required. So, some men may go online who would not join singles groups, clubs or matchmaking organizations. Men also like the ease online dating offers to drift in and out of participation.

Weaknesses of the Method – In contrast, women are more reluctant to pursue Internet dating because of safety and verifiability issues. With anonymity comes the ability of the potential suitor to lie or at least exaggerate. With online dating, almost everybody lies about or exaggerates something. Men lie about their age, height, income or profession. Women lie about their age and weight. Both lie about their marital or relationship status. Online dating allows those who are not totally committed to their current relationship to anonymously troll for a “bigger, better deal” online. In my experience, I discovered some married cheaters, some relationship cheaters and some of what I call attention-seeking cyber-flirts. The latter are those who write you lots of E-mails to attract attention and gratify their ego, with apparently little desire to ever actually talk with or meet anyone.

The inaccuracies carry through to the pictures posted. Many photos are outdated, or professional “salon” photos to hide imperfections, or even photos of someone else. Additionally, typical headshots do not always match up to the total physical reality that one encounters in person. Some look better than their pictures, but many look worse.

Another weakness to Internet dating is the lack of commitment required. With little investment, genuine commitment can certainly come into question. Some participants are willing to sacrifice their integrity, rationalizing that they won’t likely run across this person on the other end of the E-mail again. Alas, anonymity can breed boorish behavior in a few.

To Succeed – With all the negatives I have outlined, you would think that I would not recommend Internet dating for anyone. But, if you were seeking a sorting type of experience, to check out what is out there, I would definitely recommend it. Here are a few thoughts my friends and I came up with to succeed (and be safe) online.

Use the trials, but don’t expect much. If you want to continue, try a 1-3 month commitment, costing around $10-$40. Select an online name that describes you and that will attract the type of person you want to meet. Names like “GIRLNEXTDOOR” or “BESTFRIEND” are better than “EASYLAY” or “PLAYBOY.” Take time to fill out your profile, honestly and expressively. Your first objective is to get a number of appropriate suitors to contact you. Secondly, you want to get the ones you feel like meeting to want to meet you. It is a selling process; your profile is the “brochure” needed to attract a customer’s interest in the product (you). Once you draw interest, you need to secure the face-to-face meeting (if you want it). Always be sure to stay in control of your decisions. Avoid continued E-mailing or meeting someone “just to be polite.” That wastes your time and theirs.

All of your E-mails should be personalized, pointing out aspects of the other person’s profile that especially drew your attention. Look for the same in their communication, so it is clear that they are not simply sending you “canned” letters. Do not give out your address and when you give out your phone number, a cell number is preferable to a home number. Do not give out your last name or phone number too early into the process. If you encounter any rude, abusive threatening or otherwise inappropriate communication, report this behavior to the service immediately. Unfortunately, online dating can attract a number of socially inept people and even a few sociopaths.

Only respond to those suitors who will either post a photo or will send you a photo online. If they will not, cut off communication. They likely have something to hide. Set a maximum number of E-mails that you will write to one person before insisting that they either talk to or meet you (reducing the cyber-flirts). Talk on the phone to each person you want to meet before you agree to see them in person. In many cases, this exposes cheaters. Exchange phone numbers, so you can contact each other if either of you is late, lost or a “no show”. Agree to meet in a low-key busy public place for a short first date (one cup of coffee or drink) in the daytime or early evening. Let someone close to you know where you will be and when. Consider having someone watch your house (unfortunately it happens). Arrange transportation to your date yourself. Do not agree to be picked up by the suitor; he/she is still a stranger.

Once you meet, keep the conversation light, while still getting the questions answered that you need, including some reference to his/her last relationship. Notice their eye contact and body language, especially on the tough questions. Be sure to ask the person questions about him or herself and LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Do not be thinking about the next question while they are talking. Notice the details and find something to compliment the person on, even if you are not interested. After a short date, the woman should 0ffer to split the bill; the man should pay it. Conclude with a comment on whether you want to meet again or a simple “good luck with (Match, E-Harmony or whatever service).”

So, now you are ready and well armed to face the Internet dating jungle with confidence and courage. Sorry ladies, you’re a little late to meet MRRIGHT187. I am sure that there are other MRRIGHTs out there by now though.

For more than 15 years, I have been involved with and led a number of singles organizations. During that time, I have talked with, listened to and observed the actions of thousands of singles. In all my conversations with these men and women, one of the questions I get asked all the time is, “Tell me, if you can, just what are singles looking for?”

Many of you no doubt would have a ready answer to this question, somehow relating it to food, sex or sports or perhaps shopping or shoes. These snarky evaluations are half made in jest and half made because singles are often uncomfortable trying to evaluate the motives of the opposite gender or openly express your own.

Here’s what I can tell you from my experience. Deep inside, both male and female singles appear to be motivated by essentially the same forces and desires. These are by no means magical or mysterious in their substance. Here are the five factors that I believe singles (and others) are looking for which drive their thoughts and actions:

*Love* – Singles are looking to find somebody to love. In addition, they want that same person to love them back, preferably by the same degree or even more. This may come as no surprise to many of you, but some may feel that sex or power or some other drive is more important. For a few, it may be. However, generally my experience is that love is the ultimate desire.

Beyond the love of that significant other, being liked and loved by family and friends appear to also be very important to the psyche of singles. Family and friends create the all-important support system to even out the ups and downs in life, as well as providing greater meaning.

*Hope* – Singles need something to look forward to, something to hope for. Hope drives us to press on when things are not going our way, when relationships fail, jobs disappear and health begins to decline.

If you and I do not have hope, our drive to care about and live life fully diminishes greatly. At that point, despair can set in. By contrast, hopeful people have a natural charisma and this actually can attract good things to happen for them.

*Faith* – Everyone needs something to believe in. For many, it is God. For others, it is the collective “goodness” of humanity. Many believe in the strength and principles of our country or our leaders. Still others simply believe in themselves, their abilities or accomplishments, or in other people. Tradition is extremely important to many.

Faith, in whatever form it occurs for us, gives us the strength, moral compass and courage to persevere in times when rational approaches are not adequate. Moreover, it provides the “steel in the spine” that singles need when facing our problems alone.

*Accomplishment* – Whether we are children or adults, we all need something to do, toward which to strive to achieve, and to challenge our abilities. For some of us, it is having and raising a family. For others, it is succeeding in our careers or simply achieving monetary success. Many find it worthwhile to volunteer for charities, teach or otherwise serve others. And for some, it is simply finding ways to enjoy life as much as possible without the stresses of a demanding job.

As is the case for many of these factors, feelings of accomplishment are largely in the mind of each individual — self-satisfaction, if you will. These feelings can be fortified and reinforced through recognition by others, gaining the respect of our peers, or concrete measures like earnings, but the feeling is still largely internal.

*Meaning* – All people, including singles, strive to find meaning in their lives. There is an inherent hunger inside all of us to know that somehow our lives matter. What could be a more fundamental question for us as singles to be seeking an answer to?
 
Figuring out precisely how these driving forces manifest themselves in each of our lives (along with the relative importance of each one), provides the keys to what motivates us as individuals and as part of our society. Certainly, the argument can be made that these are not the only “drivers” in the lives of singles. Still, if you closely examined any other potential drivers, I believe that you would be able to categorize nearly every one under one of these more encompassing desire factors.
 
Familiarizing ourselves with the five factors I have outlined above and realizing the universality of their appeal among both men and women should help us better understand and relate to each other as singles and as people, as well as potential friends, dates and relationship partners. And, knowing that, deep inside, our basic human needs and desires are fundamentally the same, be we male or female, and regardless of our personal histories or backgrounds, can help us to really feel and have empathy for each other.

How about you? What are the forces that drive you? What are you looking for?

As a guy who has been planning and hosting singles events for more than a decade, I’m often asked one all-important question. At least the singles who ask it, both male and female, believe it’s the most important question. I personally beg to differ.
 
Their somewhat compound question, which has been posed in a variety of different ways, basically boils down to, “Where do I go to meet that special somebody and how do I find this person once I get there?”
  
Wow! The mysteries of the male/female relationship summarized in such a simple question. I usually tell these singles about the two approaches to meeting other compatible unattached professionals. There are the “transactional” approaches – basically hunting and sorting through lots of singles to find the “right” one. This approach is exclusive, that is it excludes all but the limited few who meet some fairly basic criteria initially (looks, job, geography, age, etc.). Internet dating, personals ads or speed dating are examples, as are cruising the bars and singles dances.
 
The alternative approach I share with my inquisitive single friends is the “relational” model for finding and relating to other dateable singles. This technique emphasizes: 1) An “inclusive” approach of getting to know a number of people over time, whether you are initially attracted to them in a romantic way or not,
2) Becoming friends first … and then
3) Building all kinds of relationships, both romantic and non-romantic.
  
Examples of the “relational model” are singles clubs, singles groups, church groups or singles athletic teams or leagues – all ways of meeting people several times over a stretch of time. In these ways, you can get to know each other in natural, not contrived, settings. The advantage that these approaches have are that it becomes more difficult for somebody to hide or misrepresent who they are and your decision whether to go out with them doesn’t need to be so impulsive.    
 
While I prefer the “relational model,” I do recommend trying both approaches. Join a singles club and either go to some singles dances, try Internet dating for a month or two or participate in some speed dating events. One approach may work better for you than another. A lot has to do with your social skills and comfort level.
 
Still, focusing strictly on ways to meet other singles who might be attractive to you misses the more important point. Too many singles tend to think that finding the person who is right for them is a lot like an Easter egg hunt. Just keep hunting, sifting and searching among the weeds and sooner or later you are going to find the one who is right for you. Well, things don’t work that way.
 
Here is the problem: singles often fail to ask the more important SECOND QUESTION when they consider their search for their compatible mate. Here is that key question that often goes unasked – “How do I, as a single person, relate to ALL people, so that my special some0ne can find and be attracted to me?”
 
It is not enough to find a person who you are drawn to – the attraction has to somehow be mutual, or you’ll have accomplished little. I may figure out a way to meet Julia Roberts. That doesn’t mean that she will be the least bit interested in me!
 
Here are ten more related follow-up questions to ask yourself that may help you define your answer to that more important second question:
- “How do I treat other people around me? In general, am I courteous and kind to others, even if they are not anybody I would be interested in dating?”
- “Am I more likely to ask others questions, really listening to their answers and opinions? Am I interested in finding out what interests them? Or, do I instead choose to talk, especially about myself, and aggressively push my own opinions?”
- “Am I resentful, judgmental of or do I speak disparagingly about other people or groups, or generally try to find the best in, or even encourage greatness in others?”
- “Do I ever speak about or treat others with contempt?” (Hint: Often roll my eyes?)
- “Would others likely describe me as confident, outgoing and friendly? Or, would they instead use words like ‘arrogant,’ ‘pushy’ or ‘overbearing’?”
- “Do I generally project an upbeat, hopeful and positive outlook on life? Or do I choose to be pessimistic about the future, negative in my thoughts and even bitter?”
- “Do I gauge people based on what they say, do and how they treat me? Or, am I more likely to react to them based on the actions of others with whom I have had relationships in the past?”
- “Can I be playful, fun and exhibit a good sense of humor? Or, do I tend to always be serious, overly sensitive, defensive and even morose?”
- “Can I be happy with and by myself or with friends? Or do I HAVE to be with a partner to be happy and fulfilled?”
- “Can others be comfortable and themselves around me, or do I often exhibit ‘needy’ behavior that scares people off?”
 
This bevy of questions is by no means totally comprehensive. And, rest assured, you have to be yourself. Still, that does not mean that each of us, by asking ourselves some introspective questions, cannot improve who we are and our appeal to others.
 
You see, people judge us not just by the way we treat them, but also by the way we treat their friends and others in general. The good news is it is not too late for us to practice being a better, more interesting and fun person. It certainly is worth a try!