For more than 15 years, I have been involved with and led a number of singles organizations. During that time, I have talked with, listened to and observed the actions of thousands of singles. In all my conversations with these men and women, one of the questions I get asked all the time is, “Tell me, if you can, just what are singles looking for?”

Many of you no doubt would have a ready answer to this question, somehow relating it to food, sex or sports or perhaps shopping or shoes. These snarky evaluations are half made in jest and half made because singles are often uncomfortable trying to evaluate the motives of the opposite gender or openly express your own.

Here’s what I can tell you from my experience. Deep inside, both male and female singles appear to be motivated by essentially the same forces and desires. These are by no means magical or mysterious in their substance. Here are the five factors that I believe singles (and others) are looking for which drive their thoughts and actions:

*Love* – Singles are looking to find somebody to love. In addition, they want that same person to love them back, preferably by the same degree or even more. This may come as no surprise to many of you, but some may feel that sex or power or some other drive is more important. For a few, it may be. However, generally my experience is that love is the ultimate desire.

Beyond the love of that significant other, being liked and loved by family and friends appear to also be very important to the psyche of singles. Family and friends create the all-important support system to even out the ups and downs in life, as well as providing greater meaning.

*Hope* – Singles need something to look forward to, something to hope for. Hope drives us to press on when things are not going our way, when relationships fail, jobs disappear and health begins to decline.

If you and I do not have hope, our drive to care about and live life fully diminishes greatly. At that point, despair can set in. By contrast, hopeful people have a natural charisma and this actually can attract good things to happen for them.

*Faith* – Everyone needs something to believe in. For many, it is God. For others, it is the collective “goodness” of humanity. Many believe in the strength and principles of our country or our leaders. Still others simply believe in themselves, their abilities or accomplishments, or in other people. Tradition is extremely important to many.

Faith, in whatever form it occurs for us, gives us the strength, moral compass and courage to persevere in times when rational approaches are not adequate. Moreover, it provides the “steel in the spine” that singles need when facing our problems alone.

*Accomplishment* - Whether we are children or adults, we all need something to do, toward which to strive to achieve, and to challenge our abilities. For some of us, it is having and raising a family. For others, it is succeeding in our careers or simply achieving monetary success. Many find it worthwhile to volunteer for charities, teach or otherwise serve others. And for some, it is simply finding ways to enjoy life as much as possible without the stresses of a demanding job.

As is the case for many of these factors, feelings of accomplishment are largely in the mind of each individual — self-satisfaction, if you will. These feelings can be fortified and reinforced through recognition by others, gaining the respect of our peers, or concrete measures like earnings, but the feeling is still largely internal.

*Meaning* - All people, including singles, strive to find meaning in their lives. There is an inherent hunger inside all of us to know that somehow our lives matter. What could be a more fundamental question for us as singles to be seeking an answer to?
 
Figuring out precisely how these driving forces manifest themselves in each of our lives (along with the relative importance of each one), provides the keys to what motivates us as individuals and as part of our society. Certainly, the argument can be made that these are not the only “drivers” in the lives of singles. Still, if you closely examined any other potential drivers, I believe that you would be able to categorize nearly every one under one of these more encompassing desire factors.
 
Familiarizing ourselves with the five factors I have outlined above and realizing the universality of their appeal among both men and women should help us better understand and relate to each other as singles and as people, as well as potential friends, dates and relationship partners. And, knowing that, deep inside, our basic human needs and desires are fundamentally the same, be we male or female, and regardless of our personal histories or backgrounds, can help us to really feel and have empathy for each other.

How about you? What are the forces that drive you? What are you looking for?

As a guy who has been planning and hosting singles events for more than a decade, I’m often asked one all-important question. At least the singles who ask it, both male and female, believe it’s the most important question. I personally beg to differ.
 
Their somewhat compound question, which has been posed in a variety of different ways, basically boils down to, “Where do I go to meet that special somebody and how do I find this person once I get there?”
  
Wow! The mysteries of the male/female relationship summarized in such a simple question. I usually tell these singles about the two approaches to meeting other compatible unattached professionals. There are the “transactional” approaches – basically hunting and sorting through lots of singles to find the “right” one. This approach is exclusive, that is it excludes all but the limited few who meet some fairly basic criteria initially (looks, job, geography, age, etc.). Internet dating, personals ads or speed dating are examples, as are cruising the bars and singles dances.
 
The alternative approach I share with my inquisitive single friends is the “relational” model for finding and relating to other dateable singles. This technique emphasizes: 1) An “inclusive” approach of getting to know a number of people over time, whether you are initially attracted to them in a romantic way or not,
2) Becoming friends first … and then
3) Building all kinds of relationships, both romantic and non-romantic.
  
Examples of the “relational model” are singles clubs, singles groups, church groups or singles athletic teams or leagues – all ways of meeting people several times over a stretch of time. In these ways, you can get to know each other in natural, not contrived, settings. The advantage that these approaches have are that it becomes more difficult for somebody to hide or misrepresent who they are and your decision whether to go out with them doesn’t need to be so impulsive.    
 
While I prefer the “relational model,” I do recommend trying both approaches. Join a singles club and either go to some singles dances, try Internet dating for a month or two or participate in some speed dating events. One approach may work better for you than another. A lot has to do with your social skills and comfort level.
 
Still, focusing strictly on ways to meet other singles who might be attractive to you misses the more important point. Too many singles tend to think that finding the person who is right for them is a lot like an Easter egg hunt. Just keep hunting, sifting and searching among the weeds and sooner or later you are going to find the one who is right for you. Well, things don’t work that way.
 
Here is the problem: singles often fail to ask the more important SECOND QUESTION when they consider their search for their compatible mate. Here is that key question that often goes unasked – “How do I, as a single person, relate to ALL people, so that my special some0ne can find and be attracted to me?”
 
It is not enough to find a person who you are drawn to – the attraction has to somehow be mutual, or you’ll have accomplished little. I may figure out a way to meet Julia Roberts. That doesn’t mean that she will be the least bit interested in me!
 
Here are ten more related follow-up questions to ask yourself that may help you define your answer to that more important second question:
- “How do I treat other people around me? In general, am I courteous and kind to others, even if they are not anybody I would be interested in dating?”
- “Am I more likely to ask others questions, really listening to their answers and opinions? Am I interested in finding out what interests them? Or, do I instead choose to talk, especially about myself, and aggressively push my own opinions?”
- “Am I resentful, judgmental of or do I speak disparagingly about other people or groups, or generally try to find the best in, or even encourage greatness in others?”
- “Do I ever speak about or treat others with contempt?” (Hint: Often roll my eyes?)
- “Would others likely describe me as confident, outgoing and friendly? Or, would they instead use words like ‘arrogant,’ ‘pushy’ or ‘overbearing’?”
- “Do I generally project an upbeat, hopeful and positive outlook on life? Or do I choose to be pessimistic about the future, negative in my thoughts and even bitter?”
- “Do I gauge people based on what they say, do and how they treat me? Or, am I more likely to react to them based on the actions of others with whom I have had relationships in the past?”
- “Can I be playful, fun and exhibit a good sense of humor? Or, do I tend to always be serious, overly sensitive, defensive and even morose?”
- “Can I be happy with and by myself or with friends? Or do I HAVE to be with a partner to be happy and fulfilled?”
- “Can others be comfortable and themselves around me, or do I often exhibit ‘needy’ behavior that scares people off?”
 
This bevy of questions is by no means totally comprehensive. And, rest assured, you have to be yourself. Still, that does not mean that each of us, by asking ourselves some introspective questions, cannot improve who we are and our appeal to others.
 
You see, people judge us not just by the way we treat them, but also by the way we treat their friends and others in general. The good news is it is not too late for us to practice being a better, more interesting and fun person. It certainly is worth a try!

Have you ever been in a supermarket or a discount store and seen an unruly small child acting up and throwing a tantrum? Most often, this seems to happen when he (or she) can’t have the candy he wants at the checkout. The child whines about why he can’t have it. After all, HE WANTS IT.

To the child, this seems like a perfectly good rationale as to why he should be given it immediately. That little whiny voice, possibly accompanied by a tantrum – doesn’t that make you want to get away from the annoying situation and out of the store as soon as possible?

Well, the situation is no different for some fully grown adults. Somewhere along the line, they developed the idea that just because they wanted or expected certain things in life (e.g. the marriage, relationship, house or career they dreamed about), that they should have them. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that part. As long as the people who aspire to those goals are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve them, it is an admirable trait. 

Here’s where that rub grows annoying, especially when it comes to dating and building relationships. Some singles, when they suffer setbacks in their lives, constantly whine about their situation, complaining to anyone willing to listen, “Jeez, my life didn’t turn out like I thought it would,” or “Jeez, I don’t have this or that.” 

Wow, what a revelation! Now exactly whose life turned out precisely like they thought it would? And, for those fortunate few for which that turned out to be the case, how did it happen? Did they hit their lucky numbers or inherit their way to success? Some probably did, but more likely worked their asses off.

Somewhere along the line, some singles got the idea that a diet of whine, “jeez” and self-pity made them more attractive. At least, that must be the case. Why else would they complain about their lives and constantly look to others for sympathy?

Here’s a clue – misery does not love company – misery loves miserable company. If I feel self-pity, I might feel better about myself if you commiserate with me. So, we wallow in my (or our) miserable life (lives) for a little while, occasionally feeling better for that brief time.

Okay, so this approach is fine for a day or two, or maybe even a week. But after that, you’ve got to snap out of it. Life is a series of setbacks. Those who succeed in their jobs, at dating and building relationships, at marriage or at anything else are not those who don’t ever fail. They are those who observe themselves when they succeed and when they fail and adapt their “lessons learned” to future decisions.

Here’s another point. Just like the case of the tantrum child at the checkout, “whine and jeez” are not attractive to other singles, at least not healthy ones. Occasionally, a rescuer might want to help, but even rescuers grow tired of this act.

Gumption – now that is attractive. Our culture and other singles value spunk, like a Rocky who gets knocked down and keeps pulling himself off the canvass. We admire resilience. The person who succeeds is not only the one who can turn lemons into lemonade, but also lemon zest, lemon meringue pie and even lemon-scented Pledge.

So, if you are experiencing some periods where you are not, in your mind, achieving success, I suggest you start first by “canning” the “whine and jeez” act. It grows old quickly, annoys those around you and drags you further from your ultimate goal. People, especially singles, want to be around other positive people, not crybabies. 

Sure, this life so far may not have yet turned out like you thought it would. So what? Those who fail with life’s struggles do so more often by giving up than they do by screwing up. Now is the time, through a positive attitude and effort, to make the rest of it turn out like it is supposed to. Whether you enjoy and make the most of it (or not) is entirely up to you.

I close with two quotes that I feel express the value of resiliency and maintaining a positive attitude:              

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” – L. Clement Stone, founder of Combined Insurance (now Aon)

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” – Brian Tracy, author and success consultant

Here’s to your well developed, your new-found or your renewed can-do resiliency!

When I was a kid, I used to love to watch the stories about the Three Musketeers – Athos, Porthos and Aramis. At the time, I didn’t know what a musketeer was, other than a sword fighter in those adventure stories and something on a candy bar. It was only later that I discovered that my favorite sword fighters, celebrated in the novels by Alexandre Dumas, were actually cavalry named for the muskets that they were given to fight battles in 17th century France.

From France, we take a sharp right turn to ancient Greece. The writings of the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle provide us a priceless set of building blocks to examine and internalize for forming any type of relationship. When I first read about Ethos, Pathos and Logos, I got to thinking that they sounded a bit like the “Three Musketeers.” But, these are the key building blocks required to create any type of genuine connection, be it a friendship, a romantic or a business relationship.

Aristotle really knew what he was talking about. Here is an explanation of each element (and you absolutely need all three), and how they fit into the relationship puzzle:

Ethos (Greek for “character”) – When we meet someone new, we have to develop some sense of his/her character. Can we trust this person? Do we like him/her as a person? Can we respect them? Are they being authentic and credible? Are they worth being around and worthy of our time? Do they appear to demonstrate good sense? 

Though singles can sometimes be blinded by good looks or initially by enticing conversation, success in a relationship requires an ongoing trust and respect. If the person violates those feelings, the relationship may not survive. At best, it will be changed significantly. It is essential for us to know that anyone worthy of our time, love and affection is a good person inside. 

Pathos (Greek for “suffering” or “experience”) – It is not just enough for us as singles to trust the person with whom we want to form a relationship. That person has to be able to appeal to our emotions, our sympathies and our imagination. To succeed, they have to feel what we are feeling and be able to sympathize with it in a positive, not a pitying, way.

How many times have you heard, I really like him/her as a person, but I don’t feel that “magic.” It is because somehow the person you are dating does not touch your heartstrings or spark your imagination about what a wonder-filled future you would have together. And, you have to be able to do the same for him or her. What’s more, you need to be able to accomplish this while still being your authentic self.

Romantic words and deeds are the key to developing the emotional connection. They have to come naturally and comfortably. Doing things to continue to spark the imagination of your partner, craft continual “newness” and even create some mystery is also key.

It is easy to understand how Pathos can sometimes suffer in a marriage or long-term relationship. 

Logos (Greek for “word”) – From “logos” we derive our logic. For singles in a relationship, this is where logic, common sense and judgment fit into the equation. You and I might feel like dating a person with very expensive tastes, or one half-way around the world or half our age, but we still manage to add some sense of reality to the situation in order to reach a reasonable decision. We learn to evaluate the person and the situation based on the facts and our core values.

Note that I said core values, because sometimes, especially the older we get, we confuse values with habits or fears. Rather than looking to stretch our possibilities, we look at what is convenient or easy. Don’t allow getting “set in your ways” or setting low goals for yourself make you settle for less than you really deserve.

Though more than 2000 years have passed, Aristotle seems to have put his finger on the challenges that face today’s singles (and others) in forming and maintaining relationships. Each element – Ethos, Pathos and Logos - is a necessary building block. It is now up to us, you and me, to be the craftsmen to position them correctly, balancing each with the proper perspective. And then, armed with these “Three Musketeers of Connection” we can build the relationships of our dreams.